"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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