I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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