All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
