i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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