Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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