i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
