so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
