im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
