Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
