I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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