my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
