Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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