I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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