remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
