am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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