last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
