also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
