I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
