I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
