As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
