I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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