In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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