Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
