Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
You smell like stripper and shame
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
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