Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
