we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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