I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
the condom got lost in my hair
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
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