I need to stop coming to work sober
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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