Just fell off a train. Bad.
Small penises have feelings too.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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