The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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