I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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