Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
where does the pee come out of this thing
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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