how can u be prego again
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
