Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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