my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
