Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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