remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Randomize
