I can't watch pbs sober anymore
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
