At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
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You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
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I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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