So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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