i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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