dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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