Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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