I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
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