I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Randomize
