i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
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