Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Randomize
