hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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