I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
