You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
