drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.