When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again