it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory