I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
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