i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
