I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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