oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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