The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
