I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
