Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Randomize
