I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
