Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
