Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
